23

I don’t know who to be 

At 23

I walk down busy streets

Sit drunk on the underground 

Sometimes I sob into my comforter 

Asking questions to the ceiling 

But it never answers

Sometimes I laugh so hard tears fall down my face 

 I wonder about the changing of things 

And can’t believe this is my life

I used to apologize for the things I was 

I’m too loud I say 

“I’m sorry,”

I’m too quiet 

I didn’t grieve the way they wanted 

I’m too sad about someone I haven’t seen in years 

I always feel as if I should apologize for being a Christian 

Yesterday I forgot to take my medicine 

And yesterday I cried a lot

I like to fall in love for a week or so

spend every night with someone 

6 nights straight 

love them for a minute and leave them when I’m done 

or when I’m afraid they are

I like to read one sentence love stories 

because I am afraid thats all love is

I let strangers kiss me in clubs 

And I delete messages as if they never happened 

As if the person never existed 

And I’m sorry if I hurt you when I said I loved you 

Im sorry you believed me

At 23 

I moved to London like I said I would when I was 7

I don’t feel like I know what I’m doing ever

sometimes I cry salt-glass tears into my pillow 

And read the endings of books first 

because I am tired of sad endings

life is sad enough 

.

Maybe life is full of being indescribable

Full of those messages I never sent 

Full of all those people I loved

For one minute 

or 23 years

Full of the laughs that mattered more than the tears 

Maybe all I can say is what I know  

In the moment 

Even if its not much

I am a Christian 

I’ll say 

but I won’t say sorry