God in Oklahoma

I used to think you couldn’t find God in Oklahoma.

I once told my therapist I recently felt like a desert—

no water, no salt, no sadness, no anything.

Especially no God

But she told me she saw flashes of sadness in my eyes when I talked about goodbye and that she knew, when the day came,

I would have water and salt.

And I would find that all along God had been in Oklahoma.

Later in a bath—I sat trying to meditate—trying to find God.
All I could think about was:
Concerned that recently I wasn’t able to write
Contemplation on how every goodbye was so different
Confusion about why all of a sudden leaving felt so impossible
And irritation because I couldn’t seem to find peace
Anywhere
And I thought that maybe God just wasn’t in Oklahoma.

I’d met him as a child
And seen him in my father
As he raised three kids alone
I even thought I’d talked to him
One night after I drank too much tequila
I came to Oklahoma as a 19 year old infant
Looking for God the way a lost child looks for her mother in the grocery store

Only I had never found her

I had been searching for him in all corners of Oklahoma
For four years
All over my Christian campus
On every long drive home
In all the mentors and chaplains I’d met along the way.
I had finally decided God may be in a lot of places
But Oklahoma was not one of them

A week later I was saying goodbye to my life in Oklahoma
and just like my therapist had known I would
I cried for 14 straight hours
A flash flood in the middle of the desert

And I realized
I had found God in Oklahoma

I had seen him in the eyes of teenagers
Who because they loved me, made me realize I was lovable
I had met him in the graciousness of my coworkers and bosses,
I had talked to him when I spoke to my therapist, who helped me to stop hating the little girl who made mistakes

I met him in every person who helped me switch classes last minute, waved to me in the hallway, asked me for coffee and especially in my best friends Libby, Isaac, Bella and my boss Sarah,

Libby, Isaac and B for being the kind of friends who knew when I needed prayer, who made me laugh so hard I cried, always listened and loved me unconditionally.

And Sarah, who took me in, celebrated me, and showed me what a real mom is supposed to look like. 

I realized that God was in every tear that spilled down my cheeks that drive home, making me realize that in Oklahoma I had found something really good and honest and valuable.

Because even in my desert, I had found water; I had found salt

and God lives in Oklahoma